England: Predictions for 2007

AUST-ASHES-5NIL · Joined: 02 Jan 2007 Posts: 1

Strauss, AJ
Strauss’ bad run at the end of dodgy umpiring decisions continue. During the World Cup in the West Indies he snaps Billy Bowden’s index finger straight after being adjudicated out LBW from an inside edge.

Cook, AN
His spare time is taken up with work on witty headlines for his own newspaper column. Cook does not have his own column yet, but this does not stop him from dreaming up futuristic shite like “Captain Cook steers England home in Sydney”.

Bell, IR
Quits all cricket in June when he suddenly realises that he will have to face Warne when Warwickshire play Hampshire. In April he writes in his own column that he has “Warne sussed”.

Pietersen, KP
Makes a sudden return to Suid-Afrika after a Sydney hotel maid discovers, and subsequently leaks to the media that KP had left a “Map of Africa” on the penthouse sheets. After a protracted and very public stoush between KP and his current pump - UK pop princess Jessica Taylor, who questioned his allegiance to England – Pietersen hightails it back to the Motherland screaming “It was the British Isles, it was the British Isles!”

Collingwood, PD
Storms out of showers at the SCG after Strauss jibes him one too many times about rusting out the plug holes with his ginger pubes. Strauss yells “piss off Fanta pants” and throws a cake of soap at him which he proceeds to catch one-handed whilst bent in half, horizontal and blindfolded with a wet sock.

Flintoff, A
Woodworm bats dump him from their line-up. Freddy responds by seeking a sponsorship from Kookaburra. Kookaburra launches the “P&O Pacific Sun Cruiser”. Great if you want to score under 25.

Read, CMW
Spends first half of 2007 patting himself of the back after signing up Geraint “Cymbal Mits” Jones for a two month tour of Europe with the BBC National Orchestra of Wales. Jones reported to be doing very well.

Mahmood, SI
Is given the new ball on day 3 in Sydney. Mahmood celebrates in style overnight and wakes up at midday on the HMAS Kanimbla in Sydney Harbour wearing a lace teddy. Never plays Test cricket again.

Harmison, SJ
In October, he spends six weeks in Royal London Hospital recovering from severe lacerations to the head. A homesick “Grievous” had handcuffed himself to a Heathrow turnstile as the rest of the team departed for Sri Lanka. Harmison hadn’t counted on the 100,000 Aussies rushing to get out of that “cold, wet, shithole” of a place in search of a down under summer.

Panesar, MS
Takes some time off cricket after finally knifing a TV interviewer for asking “Are you proud of being the first Sikh to play for England” for the 50 millionth time.

Hoggard, MJ
After being demoted to number 11, Hoggard holds out Muarali in Sri Lanka to secure a draw in the second Test. Murali claims his defence was “rock solid”. Hoggard later admits to having ingested above the World Anti-Doping Agency’s legal limit of Plaster of Paris. Hoggard banned from cricket for 3 years.

Anderson, JM
Revealed as the “leaker” of England’s bowling plan to the media in Melbourne. Anderson claims he did it to highlight his mastery of Microsoft Word and Adobe PDF Maker which was a lot better that his bowling.

Giles, AF
Turns up uninvited at Heathrow in October. Does his best work for England after he reveals he has a pair of bolt cutters in the boot of his car. Harmison grateful.

Jones, GO
Does his best work in bars 115-190 of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.

Trescothick, ME
Still thinking of a “happy place”.

Vaughan, MP
Seeks cheaper dental health plan after a nasty incident late in the tour of Australia. Vows never again to ask “I’m back chaps. How did you go with my Ashes?”